The Partridge Report #6

EXCERPT 20

[START OR RECORDING]

WITNESS #9791: “Why are you turning that thing back on?”

INTERVIEWER: “My guy just beeped me, he’ll be here in a minute.”

WITNESS #9791: “Jesus, where do you people get so much money to buy these gizmos?”

INTERVIEWER: “We’re service providers, we just write documents saying what gizmos we’ll need and how many, in return they give us blank checks.”

WITNESS #9791: “That’s rich. Back when I was in the academy we barely could afford spare sheets. Burroughs used to joke that if one of us used them to hang ourselves the rest of us would have to sleep under the shit stains.”

INTERVIEWER: “Lovely.”

WITNESS #9791: “Right? I miss the academy, sometimes.”

INTERVIEWER: “Do you?”

WITNESS #9791: “I guess. Compared to everything that came after, there’s a charm to not having to worry about much besides basic drills and being shouted at.”

[MALE VOICE] “Here you go, sir. Sergeant.”

INTERVIEWER: “Thank you, Brooks.”

[MALE VOICE] “They only had Huxley Light. I hope that’s okay?”

WITNESS #9791: “We take those, son, don’t worry.”

“Here’s the change, sir. Anything else?”

INTERVIEWER: “That’ll be all, thank you.”

WITNESS #9791: “[Silence] Good kid. You gonna drink too?”

INTERVIEWER: “I’ll let you get a headstart.”

WITNESS #9791: “Don’t mind if I do.”

INTERVIEWER: “Now, I hope you get that whistle wet, Sergeant, because you and I have much to talk about.”

WITNESS #9791: “Do we, now.”

INTERVIEWER: “I need you to come clean with me, Ivan. What is it that you’re not telling me?”

WITNESS #9791: “Plenty. But you paid for the beer, so… Where should we start.”

INTERVIEWER: “I know there’s more to it than what you said during the trials.”

WITNESS #9791: “Then you know more than I do.”

INTERVIEWER: “Well, then again, maybe I do.”

WITNESS #9791: “Maybe I should be the one asking questions here, don’t you think?”

INTERVIEWER: “[Laugh] That would be interesting. I’m curious to know what you’d be asking me.”

WITNESS #9791: “I can think of a few things. For example, who are you, really?”

INTERVIEWER: “Me? No one in particular. I’m just a grunt, like you. Except I work for a different company.”

WITNESS #9791: “Except you people get fancier uniforms, I think is what you meant.”

INTERVIEWER: “We pay for these suits ourselves, if that’s what you’re implying.”

WITNESS #9791: “Fair. But be honest, why are you here? What’s your role in this probe you keep mentioning?”

INTERVIEWER: “As I said, I’m the appointed chief inspector. Me and my team investigate leads and write reports to our higher-ups. At some point in the future someone either gets prosecuted or not. It’s as simple as that.”

WITNESS #9791: “And I suppose in this case that someone is gonna be partridge”

INTERVIEWER: “I get that this is what you ”

Which means my boss makes me write bi-weekly reports so we can discuss my findings with some of the senior board members at RBC headquarters back in Lambert.”

WITNESS #9791: “Sounds like a drag.”

INTERVIEWER: “I hope no one watches this part of the recording but I can assure you, sergeant, you have no idea.”

WITNESS #9791: “So you’re tasked with finding out ”

INTERVIEWER: “That you did, but at the same time… You also used the word ‘circus’.”

WITNESS #9791: “I did, because that’s what it was. ”

WITNESS #9791: “Okay, one last question.”

INTERVIEWER: “Let’s hear it.”

WITNESS #9791: “Why are you telling me all this?”

INTERVIEWER: “I mean, you asked, didn’t you?”

WITNESS #9791: “That’s what I meant, do you people just go around playing meet-and-greet with everyone you interrogate? Does that not sound suspicious to you?”

INTERVIEWER: “Sergeant, like I said more than once at this point, this isn’t an interrogation. You didn’t commit any crime. You were acquitted of all charges during your trial, weren’t you?”

WITNESS #9791: “I was.”

INTERVIEWER: “And you were honorably discharged and awarded for your service, weren’t you?”

WITNESS #9791: “I guess.”

INTERVIEWER: “You see where I’m getting at? You’re a civilian. You were invited by me so we could chat. ”

WITNESS #9791: “So civilians can just go around asking zoo people what they’re up and they’re entitled to straight answers, is what you’re telling me.”

INTERVIEWER: “I’m not sure entitlement is the word I’d use, in light of the Containment Act and all, but what we are allowed to disclose is left to our own discretion.”

WITNESS #9791: “I see. So we’re just two buddies shooting the shit, is what you’re telling me.”

INTERVIEWER: “I mean, if you wanna put it that way, sure. I guess we’re buddies.”

WITNESS #9791: “That’s funny. Did Lucas get the same treatment when you invited him to the party?”

INTERVIEWER: “I’m afraid I can’t disclose that.”

WITNESS #9791: “Of course you can’t. I can guess how much less willing to participate he was, compared to me for example.”

INTERVIEWER: “Private Romanek was not without his quirks, as you may imagine. But it wasn’t just that.”

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